Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
You Might Also Like
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!