Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…