I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. đ¤
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Someone had to say it đ¤ˇââď¸
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, âYou realize pretty quickly that a lot of them arenât that smart.â I think about that quote every single day.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car iâm never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: youâre so fired
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. Thatâs the level of petty I aspire to.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back âthanks so much â¤ď¸â.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying âBatman.â
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) Iâm more interested in talking about the roles you ARENâT playing.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet youâre fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If youâre still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself âWhat would Jesus do?â and definitely donât do that.
knowledge is knowing the difference between âpoisonousâ and âvenomousâ
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner