Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope