Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Monday?
No. Next question.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
a New Yorker reject, for you
I have so many questions.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?