If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
i really liked this one
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Huge, if true.