BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.