[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
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Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?