My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
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WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Cause of death: Zumba
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
New favorite tiktok
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF