every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
This why you should mind your business
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?