This why you should mind your business
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I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?