My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
#oldknees
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”