My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.