My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Self-cleaning conscience
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work