So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[eats all your cotton candy]
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever