Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
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I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.