Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.