Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.