Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
This was a bad idea all around
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.