@behindyourback

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

You Might Also Like

@FetishBitch

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

@Marcmywords2

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

@HenpeckedHal

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

@Jez1

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

@ConanOBrien

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

@steeve_again

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

@VikingBut

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

@pleatedjeans

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

@PyJamieParty

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

@mollymcnearney

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.