Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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Me buying fruit and veg
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
This kid is a star!
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.