Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

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The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??


You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.


Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”


It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.


I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.


I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught


I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.


[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]


My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.


Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.