Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Banana is the quietest snack
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.