FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me too 😆
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Life hack
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.