When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Möther may I have a snäck
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”