When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
🤣😂🤣
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.