At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
![]()
You Might Also Like
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If you need a laugh.. 😅
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.