@DBMaxP
@ohhelloitsmax It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
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@ohhelloitsmax 
@DanMentos shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
@bartandsoul Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
@hadafewbeers Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
@leahlovescheez They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
@cornax The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
@FilmsWeWant Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
@Fred_Delicious “IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
@milifeasdad I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
@conor_tripler i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me