I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.


shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo


Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”


Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”


The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.


Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants


[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]


I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”


i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me