I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
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Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.