While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.