‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..