I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
So, can we agree on 4 or
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”