interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Can. I. Help. You.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter