Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
What the dentist sees
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Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar