Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

What the dentist sees

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar