Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili