Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]