@weinerdog4life

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

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@AudreyPorne

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

@slickdickson

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

@internetluke

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

@ninjadinosaur1

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

@Montythewhippet

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

@WilliamHale1

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.