There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have been warned.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Incredible customer service.