Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
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Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.