Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.