My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body