Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
need him
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks