I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
motivation
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.