me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
They’re the worst 😩
🙄😏😂🤣
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?