Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
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#ParentingFacts
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.