Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Stop being racist to kettles.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
S/o to @funTweeters .
Lmao
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch