HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
When you kidnap a writer.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?