Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

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Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U


Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.



Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins


I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.


They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.


“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”


What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.


[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason


Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?