Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.