I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Love it! 👍😂
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like