Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
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You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?