My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.