I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
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The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.