Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
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I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
just pretend nothing happened
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.