[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.