My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
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My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?