“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
That 👊
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
are they though??
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.