“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
This will never not be funny 😭
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.