I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault