*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
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I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
good let them take over I have had enough
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.