DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
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ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.